Chain letters

I understand that a lot of people who forward chain letters are doing so from the good of their hearts; they want to help people in faraway lands, spread good information, feelings of love, comfort, friendship and try to bring us together. That’s all fine and dandy, but a lot of chain letters are created by pranksters who just wants to spread lies and bullshit because they think it’s fun, and they see how much fun it actually is when they send off something they made up themselves and receive it months later with hundreds of email addresses in the body of the email. Hotmail, Yahoo and Instant Messenger shutting down due to overflow? Bill Gates sharing his fortune? Boycott the buying of gas for one day? What the hell is WRONG with you people?

Back in the old days before the Internet became popular worldwide, chain letters were distributed through a medium of communication known as “mail”. They would be written (or typed) on paper, put into an envelope, sealed shut, and mailed with a stamp in the upper right-hand corner. That seems pretty primitive compared to email, but that’s how communication through text functioned back then. Quite a few of these kinds of chain letters involved copying the letter out, putting money into envelopes, and sending these envelopes to five addresses that were given to you in the chain letter that you received, including the addresses of two of your friends (known as a ‘Pyramid scheme’). Often, these names are fictitious and the addresses are all connected to one person, who in turn takes all the money and laughs at your dumbass.

A lot of us want to make this world a good place to live, and I’m not making fun or rebelling against that, but I don’t think people are checking out the validity of the claims that these chain letters make. I don’t know how many times I’ve received the “Free trip to Disneyworld” or “Bill Gates sharing his fortune” chain letters, but it’s been numerous. And the latest one is the gas boycott. I’ll admit that I’m an armchair activist, but I’ll be damned if I know how to make the gas prices go down or make my angry voice heard to a government that doesn’t know what to do about the $1.11 that we’re being charged per litre. It’s bullshit, I agree, but so are chain letters. I think that if pit bulls are going to be outlawed in Ontario because people have been hurt by them, then chain letters should be outlawed because they waste our time, clog our email inboxes, give us misinformation, and put fear into the general public. Now, would you like ketchup or mustard with your serving of propaganda?

There are some chain letter-type emails that I’ve kept over the years for just this type of occasion, and they are posted below for your enjoyment.
November 5th, 2003



I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends,or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail.

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco bell dog if I DO forward an e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret DOESN’T know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me, and Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people.

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an email…NEVER…NEVER!

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people.

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POSTCARDS or GET-WELL CARDS.

The government does NOT have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or programs that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, Zip, Zero, NADA!

The Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend if I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on.


Chain letter Type 1: (scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please…they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you moron!!!

Something else, quick!!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn’t that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of garbage. It’s true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!! Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

Send this to 1 person: 1 person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Send this to 20-674,951 people: 20-674,951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Good luck!!!

Chain letter Type 2:

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds.

Oh, and a reminder – if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!!

Chain letter Type 3:

Hi there!!! This chain letter has been in existance since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8-year-olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 15, 067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Stupid horror story 1:

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of sewage, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This could happen to you!!!

Stupid horror story 2:

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his girlfriend. They both died. Their families were so upset that everyone related to them (even by marriage) went crazy and spent the rest of their miserable lives in an institution. This could happen to you too!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.

Chain letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.


– A friend is someone who is always at your side,

– A friend is someone who likes you even though you have body odour,

– A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re disgustingly ugly,

– A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,

– A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,

– A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of garbage,

– A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn’t speak much English, no sorry – that’s the cleaning lady,

– A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll be eaten by wild goats that have morphed into baboons.

Chain letter Type 5:

This email is wicked-cool! It was started by Microsoft to test its e-mail tracking system because, you know, a big high tech company like Microsoft always sends important new software out over the internet to be available to any moron who can operate a computer, right? Plus, they have formed a secret merger with The Disney Corporation, who has agreed to give up millions of dollars in revenue by giving everyone who reads this e-mail, passes it on, looks at it, knows someone that looked at it, or is related to someone who is a friend of someone who looks at it A FREE, ALL-EXPENSES-PAID TRIP to Disneyland, Disney World, or Euro Disney! So pass this on to everyone you know that is gullible enough to believe this (or not)! Even if it’s not true, hey – insulting all of your friends by implying that they are gullible by sending this to them is worth the improbable chance that you could go to Disneyland! Even if you lose all of your friends because they are tired of receiving this kind of junk from you, it’s worth the chance, right? And just for good measure, if you don’t send this on, Microsoft will send its specially trained attack-goats to pilfer your house and eat all of your family, SO SEND IT ON!!!

Chain letter Type 6:


If you receive an email entitled “Bad times”, delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access codde, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses sub space field harmonics to scratch and CD’s you attempt to play. To will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your phone Autodial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. So be careful! Forward this to all your friends, relatives, neighbours, family, enemies, plumbers, garbage men, stockbrokers, doctors, and any other acquaintences! It’s for their own good! Thank you.

Chain letter Type 7:

Here is a cute picture I drew. 

(\          /)

( \        / )

(  \      /  )

(      /\  )

   (  / \/ \ )

     /       \                      __

    (        )                     (    )

It’s a decapitated angel. Send it on to all of your friends so it will brighten their day like it did yours! If you don’t, demon-possessed goats will move into your house and eat all of your socks, leading you to believe there is something wrong with your washing machine because all of your socks keep disappearing. Have a nice day!!!

Now that I’ve covered and dumped on the seven main types of chain letters, I’d like to add a personal message:

To those whom it concerns,

I’m thoroughly peeved with receiving your chain letters and other junk messages time and time again. You don’t honestly believe you’re going to get some luck, or some reject to ask you out just because you sent this to all of your friends, half of whom will delete it anyways, do you? Get real!!! Chain letters are some loser’s/geek’s way to think he’s gained some sort of popularity because HIS letters that HE wrote came back to him FIVE MILLION times!!!

Sorry to be so rude about this but I’m honestly mad that I’ve received the SAME letter from seven different people over the course of one week!!! So here’s the deal peeps, either stop sending chains to me or your addy gets blocked on my server. I don’t mind the ‘get to know you’ things but anything else other than a personal note, and you’re gone!

Thanks a lot,

Ericka, aka Daisy.

To all my friends, thanks to you for sending me chain letters in 2003:

I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it’s good for removing toilet stains.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.

I don’t leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Tokyo.

I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they contain may turn me gay. I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing other than horribel mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from rat feces or urine.

I think I’m turning gay because when I go to parties, I don’t look at any girl (not matter how hot she is) for fear that she will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account (A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times). Funny, that girl, she’s been 7 since 1993…

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their “special e-mail program” that was SUPPOSEDLY tracking every email that I sent out! My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland.


But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell. Wonder why I haven’t been killed for not following the chain yet…my, it’s getting hot in here…

Created by Matt Armstrong:

forward this or you will die…forward it to everybody…or they will die too…all will perish if you do not do as I say.

0 people: You will die. Your family will be brutally murdered…it will be blamed on you…you will die by the hands of a 400 pound cyclops inmate with chlamydia and a tutu wearing poodle fetish that suffers from rage blackouts…it will hurt intensely for days before anyone hears your girlish screams of agony.

1 person: I will kill you personally…using only 6 pounds of bologna, a blowtorch, vice grips and my pet badgers “Meatball” and “Cock chomper”.

2 people: You will die, it will not hurt as much as if you send this to no one…but nonetheless, you will die…probably food poisoning, but a mugging/stabbing isn’t out of the picture…and you may be fed to hungry pigs.

5 people: Someone you know might get brutally beaten by a pack of young hoodlums…but it’s ok because you didn’t really like that person anyway…In fact you may have hired the hoodlums…Karma will smite you with an iron fist…you will choke to death on a tooth the hooker loosened for you the night before when you told her you were “a little short”…She knew you were a little short when you dropped trou…But she figured you had money.

10 people: Some african children will die…don’t worry they were going to die anyway…rejoice in the street at surviving your brush with death…get hit by bus…die anyway.

20 people: I will personally congratulate you on being like every other asshole that spams email accounts with absolute garbage, with a congratulatory kick in the “tree n berries”…Unfortunately you will survive.

I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000? How stupid are we? “Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine!” What a bunch of bullshit.

Basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midgit pilgrims on the Mayflower and which, if it makes it to the year 2000, will be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity. Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s your own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this email, lest he end up like Miranda, right?

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carniverous and will consume your genitals.

  1. #1 by Sarah on September 24, 2005 - 11:52 pm

    holy crap that was long, I gave up! I liked it tho, it made me laugh. The "Forwarders" 12 step program ahahah, well done.Thanks for stopping by my space. Where the hell have you been, don\’t see you online anymore, miss talkin to ya.Take care, Sarah

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