The best jokes (part 1)

These are jokes that I found on various websites, and were sent to me in forwarded emails over the past 10 years. Enjoy!

 

An African and a Russian diplomat strike up a conversation outside the American embassy. The Russian got to talking about how things were in Russia. “We have a fabulous game that ALL Russians love to play. It’s called Russian Roulette. The way you play it is to get an empty revolver, place a bullet in the barrel, spin it without looking, close the barrel, put it to your head and pull the trigger. It’s a great game. You ought to try it sometime!” The African seemed quite interested, and he quickly replied, “We already have a game similar to that one back in Africa.” “Oh? How’s that?”, replied the Russian. “Well, first we line up six women, and they are all trained to give blow jobs.”, replied the African. “That doesn’t sound too bad.”, says the Russian. “Maybe not,” replied the African, “but one of them is a cannibal.”

 

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting in line for 20 minutes, he pushes his way to the front and says to the customer service rep., “Hey lady, I got this here check for deposit and I’ll be god-damned if I’m gonna wait my fuckin’ ass in line anymore.” “Please,” says the woman. “I won’t have that kind of language in this bank.” “Well excuse me, but this fuckin’ check ain’t drawin’ any goddamn interest with you yappin’ about my fuckin’ language.” “Sir, I do not have to take this kind of abuse.” She says. “Well then, let’s get the motherfuckin’ manager, shall we? I mean, what kind of shit is this that I have to take from you?” The manager is summoned, and he says, “What seems to be the problem?” The woman says, “This man is using vulgar language and I won’t stand for it.” The man says, “Hey, alls I want to do in this goddamn bank, for Christ’s sake, is deposit this fuckin’ check for 15 million dollars.” The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says, “And this fuckin’ bitch won’t help you?”

 

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well,” said the young man, “I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”

 

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone’s weight by 5, 10, or 20 kilograms the first day. So he goes in and tells the management that he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him down and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes, parallel bars, and ladders, and tell him to wait a minute. The sound of the door shutting echoes throughout the large gym. The fat man stands there, looking around and waiting, when, on the opposite side of the gym, a door opens and a beautiful blonde woman steps out, stark naked, holding a sign that says, “If you catch me, I’m yours”. He immediately breaks into a run, and as soon as he gets close, she takes off. Before he knows it, he’s running all over the gym, up the ropes, across the parallel bars, and up and down the ladders. And just as he’s about to catch the blonde, she disappears through a door, which locks immediately. The management appears through another door, where they lead the fat man to the showers, and then weigh him. Surely enough, he’s lost exactly 5 kg. Not long after that, he’s back on the street. “I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time…” he thinks. So he races back to the gym and says, “I want to lose 20 more kilograms.” “No problem!” says the management. Again, he is stripped and taken to the large gym. This time he’s standing by the door when it opens. Out walks a large gorilla holding a sign that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine”.

 

One day a hippie got on a bus full of nuns. He sat down next to one in the front row and starts to hit on her. She slapped him and moved to the back of the bus. The hippie went and explained what happened to the bus driver. The bus driver said, “I happen to know that a certain nun gets off the bus every night at 7 o’clock at the cemetery.” The hippie asked, “How is that going to help me get with her?” The bus driver replied, “Well, you wait there for her disguised as the Devil. When she gets off the bus, command her to have sex with you.” The hippie agreed that this was a good idea. So that night the hippie waited at the cemetery. At 7 o’clock, a bus pulled up and a nun got off. As the bus drove away, the hippie stood up from behind the short iron fence and yelled out, “This is Satan. I command you to have sex with me.” The nun said, “Alright, but can you do me in the behind so that I may remain a virgin?” After a moment’s hesitation, ‘Satan’ agreed. When he’s finished, he takes off his disguise. “Ha ha, I’m the hippie!” yelled the hippie. The nun pulled off the cloak and says, “Ha ha, I’m the bus driver!”

 

A man walks into the bar and orders three double shots of vodka. The bartender says, “That’s a lot of liquor for one man to drink. What’s the problem?” The man replies, “I just found out my younger brother is gay.” The next day he comes back and orders the same thing. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong now?” The man says, “I just found out my older brother is gay.” The next day he comes in again and orders the same thing. The bartender says, “Man, isn’t there anyone in your family that likes women?” The man replies, “Yeah, my wife.”

 

A guy goes hunting in the forest with a brand new high-tech rifle, equipped with telescopic, laser-assisted sights…the works. After awhile, he happens upon a huge bear in a clearing. Carefully, he takes aim and is sure that he can’t possibly miss this sitting target, and fires. He walks over to where the bear was sitting and can see no sign of it. The bear has completely vanished He stands there, scratching his head, when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he sees the bear. “Do you know what happens to people who shoot at bears and miss?” asks the bear. “No.” replies the hunter. “Well, drop your pants and bend over.” Instructs the bear. The hunter has little choice but to comply, and you know what happens next. The hunter staggers home and resolves to kill the bear after this humiliating experience. He goes out and buys a high-powered pump-action shotgun with 500 rounds of ammunition and sets out into the forest to track down the bear. At last he finds the bear and lets loose, blasting away for about five minutes. When he runs out of ammo, he sees a scene of utter carnage: the forest floor is littered with birds, rabbits, deer…but the bear is nowhere to be seen. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. “You know what happens to people who shoot at bears a second time and miss?” asks the bear. Resignedly, the hunter drops his pants and bends over. The bear then puts two claws between his teeth and lets out a loud whistle. A few of the bear’s friends come running over and they all queue up and, well…you know what happens next. The hunter crawls home and resolves more firmly than ever that he will hunt down this bear and utterly obliterate it. He goes out and buys a kill-anything, gatling-action elephant gun and 3000 rounds of shells and sets off once more into the forest. The bear realizes something is up and does everything he can think of to elude the crazed hunter: doubling back, covering his tracks, laying down false leads…but after a few weeks, the hunter finally brings him to bay in a giant grove of redwoods. Cackling maniacally, he lets rip with everything he’s got; trees are scythed down by the hail of bullets and the force of the recoil flattens the hunter against the trunk of one of the redwoods. Eventually the smoke and dust clear, and he realizes that the bear is not there. With resignation, he waits for a while and then feels the ol’ tap on the shoulder. “Look,” says the bear, “are you sure you’re only here for the hunting?”

 

A young man is staggering about in the street with a key in his hand. “What’s goin’ on ‘ere, then?” says a passing policeman. “They stole my bloody car!” shouts the drunk. “Where did you last see it?” asks the copper. “On the end of this key!” wails the drunk. The policeman looks him over and says, “Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?” “Holy shit!” screams the drunk. “They got me girlfriend too!”

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral lesson at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.” “And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Kathy said. “Very good!” the teacher exclaimed. “Now, Mary?” “Our family are farmers too,” Mary began, “But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. So the moral of the story is don’t count your chickens before they hatch.” Mary said. “That was a fine story, Mary. Johnny, do you have a story to share?” “Yes Miss. My daddy told me this story about my Uncle Dan. Uncle Dan was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whisky, a gun, and a machete. He drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then he landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. He killed six of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed ten more with the machete ‘til the blade broke, and then he killed the last four with his bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” “Don’t fuck with Uncle Dan when he’s pissed.”

 

The daycare teacher held up a picture and asked, “What’s this?” “A horsy!” one child answered. “And this?” the teacher asked, holding up another picture. “A piggy!” replied another youngster. “And now this one?” asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was no answer, only total silence. “Come now, children,” she coaxed, “I’ll give you a little hint: what does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?” “I know, I know!” said one little girl. “It’s a horny bastard!”

 

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The entire bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:

1.      The bartender is a blonde girl

2.      The bouncer is a blonde gal.

3.      I’m a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4.      The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5.      The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?” She responds by yelling (at the top of her lungs), “NO I WILL NOT SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which the shy guy responds (at the top of his lungs), “WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?”

 

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone, “but the only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “Okay, don’t be too hard on him, he’s just a kid,” the medic soothed, “get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.” “But doc, I’ve been screwing the maid too and I’ve got the same symptoms he has!” “Then you come in too and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor. “Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it too.” “Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”

 

A guy sits down in a café and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.” He looks over and sees that the guy has almost finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, “Are you going to eat that?” The other guy says, “No, help yourself.” He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about halfway down, his fork hits something. He looks down and sees a dead mouse in the chili, and he pukes it all back into the bowl. The other guy looks over and says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”

 

“Hello, is this the F.B.I.?” “Yes, what do you want?” I’m calling to report about my neighbor, Billy Bob Smith. He’s hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.” The next days, dozens of FBI agents descended on Billy Bob’s house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept and, using axes, cut open every piece of wood. They found no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. Billy Bob went back inside, and his phone began ringing. He picked it up. “Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?” “Yeah!” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Happy birthday, buddy!”

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; his face covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began harassing him as to where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. “Okay, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river, and into a huge forest of trees. Finally, he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. “Do you see that large oak tree over there?” he asked. “YES! YES!” the bats all screamed in frenzy. “Good,” said the bat, “ because I didn’t.”

 

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. “I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says, “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.” “That’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?” “Ten…” the doctor says, sadly. “Ten?” The man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?” The doctor interrupts, “Nine…”

An elderly widow and widower had been dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry him. She immediately said “yes”. The next morning, when he awoke, he couldn’t remember what her answer was! “Was she happy? I think so…wait! No, she looked at me funny…” After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the phone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to the marriage proposal. “Oh,” she said, “I’m so glad you called! I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

 

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don’t open the damn store!”

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprieve the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, “Johnny, when I was a child, I was told that if I make ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.” Johnny looked up and replied, “Well, Ms. Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

 

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, “You bastard!” The judge says, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.” The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, “You god damn bastard!” The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but no more outbursts from you or I’ll charge you with contempt of court. Is that a problem?” The guy in the back of the courtroom stands up and says, “For fifteen years, I’ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

 

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher, who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly, and then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man weakly moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice, Sam replied, “The balcony.”

 

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?” “Watch,” the man said, and proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

 

Sergeant Jones was doing a drill one morning when a letter was given to him. The Sergeant stood up and shouted, “PRIVATE WILLIAMS, STAND UP! YOUR MOTHER HAS DIED!” Private Williams immediately bawled into tears and fainted. Sergeant Smith told Sergeant Jones, “You should have broken the news to him nicer; he wouldn’t have been so upset.” Two months later, Sergeant Jones was running another drill when he received another letter; this one stating that Private Williams’ father had died. He thought for a minute, and then shouted, “EVERYONE WHOSE FATHER IS ALIVE, TAKE ONE STEP FORWARD!” And so they did, and then Sergeant Jones shouted, “PRIVATE WILLIAMS, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. “I want to be gorgeous”, is the reply. So God snaps his fingers and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says the same thing. Another snap of the fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God gets halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, the guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says, “Make ‘em all ugly again.”

 

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey’s Kiss in his mouth, and asked, “Do you know what it is?” “No I don’t,” said the little boy. “Okay, I’ll give you a clue: it’s the thing your daddy wants from your mommy before he goes to work.” Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, “Spit it out! It’s a piece of ass!”

 

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Leafs fan saves friend from vicious animal”, he begins writing in his notebook. “But I’m not a Leafs fan,” the little hero replied. “Sorry. Since we’re here in Toronto, I just assumed you were,” said the reporter, and starts again. “Little Jays fan rescues friend from horrific attack” he continued writing in his notebook. “I’m not a Jays fan either,” the boy said. “I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team do you root for?” the reporter asked. “I’m a Montreal Canadians fan,” the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little French bastard from Montreal kills beloved family pet.”

 

THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS FOUND ON INSURANCE FORMS WHERE CAR DRIVERS ATTEMPTED TO SUMMARIZE THE DETAILS OF AN ACCIDENT IN THE FEWEST POSSIBLE WORDS. THE INSTANCES OF FAULTY WRITING SERVE TO CONFIRM THAT EVEN INCOMPETENT WRITING CAN BE HIGHLY ENTERTAINING.

                     Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

                     The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

                     I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.

                     I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

                     A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife’s face.

                     The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

                     I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced and my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

                     In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.

                     I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

                     I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

                     I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

                     As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

                     To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.

                     My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.

                     An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

                     I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.

                     I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

                     The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.

                     I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.

                     The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

                     I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

                     The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.

 

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” had been placed in the copier prior to the start of the interrogation, and a member of the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was working, the suspect confessed.

 

Speeding tickets:

GOOD:

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign that read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD”. The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change (and we used to just sell lemonade).

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball.” He replied, “Highway Patrolmen don’t have Balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle, and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

 

Kids are quick:
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie… Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Church bulletin bloopers:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.”
The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again”, giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm – prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She’s used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend Belzer and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

The Reverend Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

 

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell; she’s got a grenade in her mouth.

 

How did the blonde die drinking milk?

The cow fell on her.

 

What’s black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?

A blonde electrician.

 

A guy asked his blonde wife, “How did you get the car in the living room?”

She answered, “I drove through the kitchen and took a left.”

 

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I’m under a lot of stress and I keep losing my temper with people.

Dr.: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN’T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!

 

Dr.: I have some bad news, and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Dr.: The lab called with your tests results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 HOURS? That’s TERRIBLE! WHAT could be WORSE than that? What’s the very bad news?

Dr.: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

 

A man is waiting outside the emergency room for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out, the man rushes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.

Doctor: I have something to tell you. Your son has no legs…

Man: Oh…I guess it’s still my son. Let me see him.

Doctor: He’s got no arms either…

Man: That bad, huh? I have to see him!

Doctor: And he’s got no trunk either…no head…actually, it’s only an ear!

Man: …

They go into a sterile room where a nurse walks towards them with a giant ear wrapped in a blanket.

Man: My son! Flesh of my flesh! Blood of my blood!

Doctor: LOUDER! He’s deaf too!

 

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office, the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes, but first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that it was absurd, but the nurse insisted, and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. “So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said. “The nurse must have told you.” Said John, wondering how the doctor knew. “Nope, it was in your urinalysis.” And the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on a check-up visit. Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about the doctor’s ridiculous machine, when John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle, as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then, while walking to his garage, he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off, adding some semen to the mix. He drove to the doctor’s office, shook the bottle, and handed it to the nurse. This time the urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass: your daughter is pregnant, your wife has V.D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal!”

Advertisements
  1. Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: