The best jokes (part 2)

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after he had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. “Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I think you’ve given me too much. I’ve started to grow hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.” The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Where has this hair appeared, my dear?” The woman replied, “On my balls.”

 

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at her and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away, he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this, he says to the woman, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she says. “You’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is correct,” says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asks. “Yes,” says the woman, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “That’s right!” replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, “Do you know what I’m doing now?” “Yes,” she says, “you’re getting herpes.”

 

Some pretty observant kids…

WHAT EXACTLY IS MARRIAGE??

“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents”

Eric, AGE 6

“When somebody’s been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, ‘I’ll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.’ Then she says yes, but she’s wondering what the thing is and whether it’s naughty or not.  She can’t wait to find out.”

Anita, AGE 9

 

HOW DOES A PERSON DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY??

“You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one.”

Kelly, AGE 9

“My mother says to look for a man who is kind….That’s what I’ll do….I’ll find somebody who’s kinda tall and handsome.”

Carolyn, AGE 8

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.  Like if you like sports. She should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”

Allan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”

Kirsten, age 10

 

CONCERNING THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife”

Bert, AGE 5

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!”

Cam, age 10

“No age is good to get married at…. You got to be a fool to get married!”

Freddie, age 6

“Eighty-four, because at that age, you don’t have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom.”

Judy, age 8

 

HOW DID YOUR MOM AND DAD MEET??

“They were at a dance party at a friend’s house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down…It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values.”

Lottie, AGE 9

“My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.  They won’t tell me what kind.”

Jeremy, AGE 8

 

WHAT DO YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Both don’t want no more kids.”

Lori, age 8

 

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”

Martin, AGE 10

“Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love.”

Craig, AGE 9

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”

Lynnette, age 8

 

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE??

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have videos of the wedding.”

Allan, AGE 10

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you….If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours.”

Kally, AGE 9

“When they’re rich!”

Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”

Curt, age 7

 “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them…. It’s the right thing to do.”

Howard, age 8

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy.  They always slobber all over you …That’s why I stopped doing it.”       

Tammy, age 7

“If it’s your mother, you can kiss her anytime.  But if it’s a new person, you have to ask permission.”       

Roger, age 6

 

THE GREAT DEBATE:  IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

“You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan”

Kirsten, AGE 10

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys.  Boys need somebody to clean up after them”

Anita, AGE 9

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.”

Will, AGE 7

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing…I’m never going to have sex with my wife.  I don’t want to be all grossed out!”

Theodore, age 8

“Single is better … for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers… Of course, if I did get married, I’d figure something out. I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”

Kirsten, age 10

 

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”

Eddie, age 6

“You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”

Derrick, age 8

 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead.  The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”

Craig, age 9

 

WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

“A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together.”

Marlon, age 10

 

HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck!”

Ricky, age 7

“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes…. especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.”

Lori, age 8

“Don’t forget your wife’s name … That will mess up the love.”

Erin, age 8

“Be a good kisser.  It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash.”       

Dave, age 8

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

Tom, age 7

 

GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

“Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than one.”

 Angie, age 10

 

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”

 Kelvin, age 8

 

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“One of you should know how to write a check.  Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.”    

Ava, age 8

 

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

Del, age 6

Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.

Alonzo, age 9

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. 

Bart, age

“Shake your hips and hope for the best.”   

Camille, age 9

 

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

“I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn’t always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses.”      

Gina, age 8

 

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

“You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls.”

 Julia, age 7

You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. 

Doug, age 7

It might help to watch soap operas all day.

Carin, age 9

 

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

“When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don’t get up for at least an hour.”   

Wendy, age 8

“Mooshy … like puppy dogs … except puppy dogs don’t wag their tails nearly as much.”    

Arnold, age 10

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too.”    

Andrew, age 6

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell … That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.”    

Mae, age 9

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.”   

 Manuel, age 8

 

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.”    

John, age 9

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don’t want to do it.  It takes too long.”    

 Glenn, age 7

 

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.”    

Anita C., age 8

“It isn’t always just how you look.  Look at me.  I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.”    

Brian, age 7

“Beauty is skin deep.  But how rich you are can last a long time.”

 Christine, age 9

 

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

“Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.”    

 Greg, age 8

 

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they paid good money for them. 

Dave, age 8

 

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’  is on television. 

Anita, age 6

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it.  I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.     

Bobby, age 8

I’m not rushing into being in love.  I’m finding fourth grade hard enough. 

Regina, age 10

 

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

Just see if the man picks up the check.  That’s how you can tell if he’s in love.

John, age 9

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold.  Other people care more about the food.  

Brad, age 8

It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts are on fire.

Christine, age 9

“See if the man has lipstick on his face.”    

Sandra, age 7

 

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

The person is thinking:  Yeah, I really do love him.  But I hope he showers at least once a day.

Michelle, age 9

“Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat.”       

Dick, age 7

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