Micro-management

If all companies, corporations and governments had their complete monopoly over everything in order to micro-manage your life, the following would be a partial list of what would come to pass:

–         It would be illegal to hang your clothes outside to dry because that would cut into the money that utility companies could charge you for using your dryer instead.

–         It would be illegal to plant vegetable seeds to grow your own food because that would cut into the money that the large vegetable companies would make from you buying pesticide-filled GMO vegetables from the supermarket.

–         Recreation centers and gyms would no longer let people shower or use the hot tub, sauna or steam room because that would cut into the money that utility companies could charge you for using your shower or tub instead. Pools would still be available for use, but charges for chlorine and maintenance would apply (automatically built into gym memberships, regardless of whether or not you use the pool).

–         You could not get money back from taking your empties into the bottling depot because there would be no guarantee that you would add that money to your total income for the year when it came time to file for your tax return (but you would still be charged for the deposit when you purchased a refreshment that was in a bottle or can that could be recycled). Failure to recycle items that are meant for recycling would result in fines, jail time and restricted purchasing power. Each item you purchase from a store contains a tiny, scannable, GPS-enabled microchip that instantly receives a digital imprint of your ID name, CareCard number, Social Insurance Number, and World ID number.

–         Each person in every household would be granted a maximum amount of water PER DAY, and every ounce that goes over that maximum will have a special charge added (perhaps something to the tune of, “$0.50 per ounce up to 10 ounces, then $1.00 for every ounce after that”). Example: 4 gallons of water per person per day, 4 people in a household = 16 gallons/household. This will include everything: showering/bathing, washing clothes/dishes, cleaning food, filling up water bottles, watering your (illegal) garden, washing your car, etc.

–         You will have to pay to listen to radio stations (just as you pay for a certain number of TV stations) so that the record companies can be compensated for “people listening to songs for free off the radio”, because there’s no guarantee that people will go out and buy a CD based on hearing one song from that CD.

–         You may still turn up the volume of your car stereo as loud as you want, but there are noise restrictions. Each vehicle will be fitted with devices that measure volume levels, and you will have to purchase this device from whatever auto insurance company supplies you with auto insurance for your vehicle. You are responsible for maintaining the device, and not exceeding the maximum volume level.

–         Each home will be fitted with special sound wave receivers that vibrate when music is played loudly. The owner of the home will be charged when the receivers vibrate, as it is assumed that the owner can hear the music that is being played.

–         Combination cd/tape/radio stereos will no longer be manufactured because it enables people to copy music from the radio onto a cassette tape (breaking copyright laws).

–         Printing a document on your home printer will be followed by a charge for the material printed (you must copyright your own material before printing it; this is for your own good and safety – however, due to the numerous patents and copyrights on words and terms/phrases, all requests to copyright your own material have been, at this time, revoked).

–         Libraries will no longer issue books on a “loan/borrow” basis; each book will have to be rented at a cost (to be determined by the author and publisher); prices will vary.

–         Your computer will be fitted with a special motherboard that the federal government will monitor from time to time that details everything you do on your computer (to be stored in a database). The justification for this will be to prevent you from burning a music CD, since MP3s will be considered illegal because they are a copy of copyrighted material owned by the record companies (several major record labels currently hold patents on the term ‘MP3’ and the technology that creates it).

–         Every Internet website that you visit (that has ads) will immediately add a small charge of 5 cents to your Internet account to help pay webmasters who let ads run on their site.

–         It will be illegal to videotape ANYTHING from TV, EVER, because of copyright laws. Want to tape your favorite show? You’d be facing 10 years in jail and a $450,000 fine if you do. Going to miss the Superbowl and want to tape it for viewing later? Sorry, can’t do that because the commercials have copyright laws on them and there are logos and banners all around the stadium…and if you have that on tape there’s no telling what you could do with those images.

–         You won’t be able to lend any of the entertainment material you have purchased to friends because the CDs, DVDs and VHS tapes will have a digital encoder on them, so that whatever machine you first play them in, you’ll only be able to play them in that one machine and never another.

–         Every possible space would be filled with advertisements. In a public bathroom, for example, ads would be visible overtop the urinals, on the front and back doors of stalls, on the stall walls, on the ceiling, the floor, and the back of the door which gives you access to the bathroom.

–         If you copy music from a CD onto your computer, an electronic code will instantly be sent to your ISP (provided you’re connected to the internet at the time, and if you’re not, then whenever you DO connect), and your ISP will, by law, have to notify law enforcement officials, who will then arrest you for breaking copyright laws (even if you purchased the CD for your own private use). You will face prison time and a fine will have to be paid of $20,000 per song copied to your computer; if you cannot pay the fine, your assets will be seized and sold in order to compensate the record company that produced the CD, and you will have to do hard labor while in prison in order to pay off the remainder of the fine.

–         Every phone call you make and every text message you send (and receive) from your cell phone will be stored in a database, in case you are accused of a crime and your phone calls and/or text messages can provide information as to your guilt or innocence (transcripts of phone calls and text messages will be made available to the court by your cell phone provider).

–         Tiny, scannable, GPS-enabled microchips will be attached to every single item that can be purchased from a store under the guise that it helps to cut down on theft (products that are stolen can be tracked & traced to within three feet of their current location). This also applies to anything that you receive ‘for free’.

–         Anything that you receive ‘for free’ comes with a form that you must fill out and mail to the government so they can tax you on it under “non-purchased goods”. Failure to fill out and mail in said forms will result in prison time for breaking federal laws and minimum fines of $10,000 or more.

–         Companies and corporations can mail you large parcels containing ‘free’ gifts, which cannot be refused. Those companies and corporations will then receive special tax breaks for supplying the general public with ‘free’ gifts through the mail.

–         Along with every pack of cigarettes you buy (or tins of tobacco), you will have to fill out a form (to be mailed to Health Canada) waiving your rights to receive medical care for lung cancer, since you willingly, consciously and purposely brought it upon yourself (similar guidelines would follow for alcohol and some prescription medication). There is no way to avoid this form, because you will have to scan your ID name, CareCard number, Social Insurance Number, and World ID number to make a purchase for tobacco products, and every one of those purchases will be stored in a database, monitored by both the federal government and Health Canada. At the end of the year, they will tally up your tobacco purchases and compare them to the number of forms you have mailed in. If the numbers don’t match up, you could face possible jail time for defrauding the government.

–         There will be no option on your cell phone to turn off GPS tracking because your movements must be tracked at all times to vouch for your innocence in the case that you are accused of a crime. Not having your cellphone with you at all times will be seen by the authorities as suspicious behaviour, and they will be dispatched to your place of living for a warantless inspection.

–         You will be required by law to blow into a breathalyzer device (when you wake up) that will determine your general health for the next 24 hours. This information will be transmitted to the government via a local communications tower (much like information traveling to and from cell phones is transmitted via cell towers and satellites) instantly. The breathalyzer device will match up the current day’s information with the previous four days, and can detect any incoming colds or other infections and, by law, order you to visit a pharmacy where you will, by law, have to purchase medicine/prescription medication (certain information from the breathalyzer will be transmitted to the nearest pharmacy to have your medicine/prescription medication prepared for purchase in anticipation of your immediate arrival). No time off will be given from your place of employment in order to purchase the medicine/prescription medication. Being late for your job because you were picking up legally required medicine/prescription medication will result in a fine (to be deducted from your paycheque and will only show up on your paycheque; no notices will be issued beforehand).

–         Your functional health and ability to perform work duties while (1) under medication and (2) your body fights off current (and possible) infections will be determined by control groups that the government will set up. People of varying weight, height and age will be included in these control groups so that general guidelines can be set up and adhered to (by law). ‘Sick days’ will be removed from the employment lexicon, and employers will generate worker-specific tasks in cases where employees are fighting off current (and possible) infections so that no hours will be lost. In situations where the employee is handling food or caring for patients in a hospital (or hospital-like setting), special HAZMAT-like suits will have to be worn.

–         In addition to attending school (public or private), children will be required to watch ‘Special information’ TV programs for at least 7.5 hours a week. These programs will feature ads that are brought to them by the companies that sponsor the programs, and in some cases, are government-funded.

–         There will no longer be any Freedom Of Information requests granted to the general public, as it is not known whether or not such information will fall into the hands of terrorists or other undesirables. All government documents will be permanently sealed, and no corporate records will be available for scrutiny by the public eye.

–         All vehicles will be controlled by the Ministry of Transportation. Driver’s licenses will no longer exist. The owner of the vehicle, in order to start the engine, must place both hands on the handprint scanners on the dashboard, and both feet on the foot pedal scanners near the floor (the owner must be in the ‘driver’s seat’, as it is formally, and formerly, known). The vehicle may be turned off for any reason at any time by the Ministry of Transportation. It will be the owner’s responsibility to maintain and update any and all technology that exists within their vehicle. Owner’s manuals and tech specs will be mailed from the Ministry of Transportation (please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery). No vehicle will function until the owner’s manuals and tech specs have been received by the owner, and the owner must call the 16-digit non-toll-free number and verify his vehicle ID number along with his the ID name, CareCard number, Social Insurance Number, and World ID number. Radio stations will be preset by the Ministry of Transportation (standard charges for radio station packages will apply and are subject to change without any warning; failure to pay for these charges will result in a fine, jail time and the confiscation of your vehicle until said fines are paid; NOTE: 25% interest charges apply to any changes in charges) and may take 6-8 weeks to preset. The owner of the vehicle must provide the ID names, CareCard numbers, Social Insurance Numbers, and World ID numbers of future passengers that will travel in the vehicle (maximum amount of passengers to be determined by maximum amount of seats in the vehicle). These ID names and ID numbers are provided on a one-time-only basis; no other passengers can be admitted to the vehicle at any time. If you wish to add a new ID name and set of ID numbers, you must return your vehicle to the nearest Ministry of Transportation Auto Dealership and purchase a new one, or purchase an additional one. Example: Bob purchases a car from the Ministry of Transportation. The car has four (4) seats. Bob can have a maximum of three (3) passengers in his vehicle at any given time (Bob must be in the vehicle at all times for the vehicle to function, and all three (3) passengers must aksi be in the vehicle after Bob has ID’d them). Bob may choose his wife and two children as the three (3) passengers. No other passengers may ever be admitted to Bob’s car. In order for the car to function, Bob and his three (3) passengers must all be in the vehicle at the same time. If Bob were to ‘give a ride’ to a friend, he would have to either return his current vehicle to the Ministry of Transportation Auto Dealership, or purchase another car from the Ministry of Transportation Auto Dealership and enter in both his own ID name and set of ID numbers along with the ID name and set of ID numbers of the friend Bob wishes to ‘give a ride’ to. There will be no exceptions. Failure to comply will result in fines, jail time and confiscation of your vehicle.

This is a partial list, but feel free to add your own. And if you don’t, don’t worry; the government will issue its own official non-copyrightable list in good time. The rules on the list will apply immediately from time of publication. Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery. Failure to comply will result in fines, jail time and possible suspension of rights.

Coming to a country near you!

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  1. #1 by Alex on July 6, 2009 - 12:06 pm

    Feel free to copy and paste into an email and forward it to everyone you know! You do it for jokes and religious passages, why not for the awareness of the surveillance society as well?

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